Ah! I see it now–”the well-wishes of his fellow boarders” bit. “Waylaid” seems like not the exact right word for that, somehow, hence my not associating the two.

These really are minor quibbles, though. You’ve gotten the hardest bit right: Jonah seems very real, and so does his world, and add me to the list of people who are looking forward to reading this book when it is published!

Thanks also to Gennita for the suggestion. And @ Julia Sullivan – Thank you for all your specific comments and suggestions. I’d initially used “apace” with its main definition in mind, but you’re correct that in the context it isn’t the right word. “Bowler” I did change a few months ago, after I’d done more fashion research, but thanks for pointing it out. I like your suggestion about being more specific regarding the war wound. As for waylaid, I said a few paragraphs earlier that he was waylaid by his fellow boarders at home (maybe I wasn’t clear enough). No cheating meant–I don’t like authorial cheating, either, and I always do my best to avoid it.

Thanks again, to all of you! You guys are great.
And thanks, Dear Author, for providing an opportunity to get some feedback.

It has too much backstory in it.

It’s beautifully done backstory (mostly, see quibbles below). It’s incredibly evocative. Kudos to you.

BUT it’s not right for a first page. Start later in the scene, with Jonah rushing into the office late for the first time. We don’t need the horsecars and the mud and the church clock right then. We don’t need the names of all of his superiors at the bank.

Just a very conscientious man who is horrified to be late to this 19th-century New York bank.

Okay, here are my quibbles:

a) “I was waylaid” — Waylaid by what? You didn’t show him being waylaid in any way, you just showed him being late. Is he lying? Or did something happen that you’re not showing us but are going to reveal later? Because if it’s the latter, it feels a bit like authorial cheating, and if it’s the former, you need to give it more oomph because it reads as confusing rather than illustrative.

b) I don’t like “which had kept him apace for twelve years while the rest of New York hurried to keep up” for a number of reasons, but the main one is that “apace” doesn’t mean “ahead of the group,” it means “abreast of the group.”

c) “bowler hat” — That hat was generally called a “derby” in the US in the 19th century. The word “bowler” was, at that time, a British term.

Here’s a larger question: you put a ton of information in that, but you never put the date. When is this? You can do more specific incluing: for instance, if Mr. Satterfield’s “war wound” is one he received during the Civil War, then you can describe it as “the bullet he took at Gettysburg” or whatever, which gives us a much more specific window.

I agree that perhaps taking the description down from eleven and letting it ride at a nice seven or eight would really open up the writing and let the air catch it a bit.

I’d love to get inside of his head and know how he’s feeling. Is he cold, does he sweat but try to hide it?

Keep working at this- there is much to love here!

I submitted the page to Dear Author primarily because I was worrying that I had too much backstory in it. I thought readers would need to have an idea of Jonah’s history with the bank in order to appreciate what he was going through when the story opens. I’d really been going back and forth with myself over how much of it was necessary. It seems about half of you commented that it needed to be cut, and half of you thought it didn’t (or didn’t mention it). I’m not sure what to do with that (g), except to take a hard look at the page and try again to figure out what really needs to be there.

I do understand that “Jonah was late” is not a good hook. I picked it as a first line because Jonah’s never been late in his life, but in the larger scheme of things, he has some catching up to do. Being late is the first loosening of his chokehold control over his carefully regulated life and I thought it was relevant to begin there. I was hoping the reader would take from it that being late was a strikingly unusual circumstance for this character (and some of you did), but I can see how it would not work as well as a hook, since you don’t know the character yet. So I’m a little conflicted there, too. Have a lot to learn.

To Melissa- yes, tipping his hat is a long-term habit (he’s been going this route every work day for twelve years) and a courtesy that I hope come across as character details. Melissa, Jess, Jill, Anon76, Sarah, and Alisa let me know they saw the character as I saw him, and that was really reassuring. Thank you.

In regard to 19th century terms, where I do use banking terms, if it is relevant to understanding the plot, I do try to make it very clear for the reader. Other terms I use just for the feeling of authenticity. “Drafts for collection” is one of those. I’m also aware of how old-fashioned my voice comes across and have been working on learning to create more intimacy.

Thank you to all those who said they’d like to read it when it’s finished. That sort of thing is so encouraging, I can’t tell you.

On the except – I would like to read the rest of the story. :)
Cheers!

I’m not going to say one way or another on whether it’s too passive/dense. Or that it’s not a good introduction to Jonah. The style and language definitely draw me in, and Jonah’s there peeking through, if he’s meant to be a passive, very quiet and hiding proper mannerly behavior, then this is fantastic.

The feel of the time and place is excellent, that it might take another page or two to draw a little more of Jonah out on the page isn’t necessarily a deterrent, not with the language/feel of time period and not if that suits Jonah’s character.

Yeah, it’s not the immediate hook/shove the pairing in your face of standard contemporary, not the *BOOM* MINE! Sex Now & we’re never going three feet apart forever&ever of most paranormals. That this is slower and–”quieter” rather than the immediate attention grab might put off some, but I love it. It suits the period and it seems to suit what we see of Jonah so far, the trick is drawing Jonah far enough “out” and “living” in the next page or two. This is a first page that really needs 2-3 pages to get enough across to say.

Honestly, I really wanna beg for the rest of this to read right now.

I like the rich, vivid writing. Utterly suited to the subject and period. Good control of your words. Cool.

Can I tentatively suggest throttling back about 20% on the density of expression. On this first page we aren’t committed to your story yet. Invite us into your world with simper sentence structure.

Second suggestion — a couple of folks above said this — would be to move the backstory off page one.