There was a were-gerbil called Cheezel
Whose Ho-Lotta Fagina queebled
“We’ve run out of tape
Let’s replace it with grape-
fruit to make me perform like a weasel.”

And the book sank deeper in mire
Traumatizing our reviewer
‘Til she got up in rage
And tore off each page,
Consigning the tome to the fire.

This Is Just To Say

I can’t finish
the book
you left in
my mail box

and which
you were hoping I’d
praise to
the heavens.

Forgive me
it was disgusting
puerile
and so rank.

I hesitate to share my views on this book, because as one of your mindless minions, I know that no one will take my opinion seriously. Also, writing an actual review will take time away from my endless quest to find every single #romfail hater on the internet and squash them like the bugs they are — again, because I am your mindless minion.

However, I must express my concern that everyone is taking your book so … seriously! Do these people not recognize parody when they read it? Would they take the same approach to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Bored of the Rings? Personally, I thought that your use of every romance cliché in the world would take longer than this category-length novel, especially since you had to include the particularly lengthy list of shifter tropes. But you did it, and my hat’s off to you, because it could not have been a pleasant task.

I think this book is a worthy beginning to your Deliberate Romfail series. (Oops, did I just reveal the secret plan? Sorry!) I can’t wait for the next one. Have you decided to take on the historical genre, with The Bewildered Duke’s Anatomically Incorrect Mistress? Or can we look forward instead to your contemporary romance, The Asshat Alpha and the Silently Weeping Doormat? I look forward to them all, and I’m not just saying that because I am,
YMM,
SonomaLass

You should win, just for that line alone. Snort.

And, OMG, I have so many typos in my review. Sigh.

My short review: I did manage to read two pages of your debut novel and given that I couldn’t even read one paragraph of OH MY GOD MY GIRLFRIEND’S A BARBARIAN I guess that means your book is better than that. Or something. I’ve never been a fan of were-shifting anythings and I had a hard time wrapping my head around a gerbil, no matter how appealing Cheesel was. Sorry I can’t be more enthusiastic about it.

On the other hand, your publisher was very wise to release this as a Kindle book and even smarter to offer it as a freebie on Amazon, where fanatical Kindle owners have been downloading it like hotcakes (in case you haven’t noticed, it is #1 in romance -> paranormal -> shapeshifting -> gerbils and #3 in romance-> thrillers-> furries -> rodents). A more sympathetic reader than me has started a thread for your book in The Book Corner at KindleBoards and quite a few readers have been posting. You even have a few saying, “This is so good, I would have paid for it!” — clearly is the ultimate in Kindle praise.

Which just goes to show that opinions are like assholes — everyone has one — and I guess my DNF grade doesn’t count for much, since you do have fans among the Kindleholics. And, btw, they are eagerly waiting for the sequel.

L

I am new to the world of category romance, but your book has enriched my reading experience considerably, and will, I daresay, replace Knight Moves as the genre’s gold standard. Genre bending is only one of the terms I could use to describe The Multi-Billionaire’s Virgin Rodent Wrangler Bride.

Ho-Lotta and Cheesel were an appealing h/h, and Cheesel’s angst and reluctance to embrace his were gerbilhood were very believable. Ho-Lotta’s ten page soliloquy on the repercussions of loving a were-gerbil actually brought tears to my eyes. It would have been boring in the hands of a lesser author, but your sensitivity and vocabulary gave voice to the sufferings of were-gerbils everywhere. And, BTW, kudos to you for boldly confronting the size issue. Yes, it does matter and the sex scenes were beyond hot.

The only problem I have with your otherwise stellar debut novel is the chiffhanger ending. Why, oh why, did you allow the evil Persian, Fluffah zi Fishbrezh, to take over the story in the final chapter? Now we have to wait for the sequel to find out if the adorably cuddly Cheesel will escape her nasty paws. Actually, Fluffah’s own story would make a fine followup. I, for one, would be fascinated to know the story behind her notched ear.

Grade: B

I read your blog posts religiously, so I was very excited to get an advance copy of your debut novel! Although I enjoyed the chipmunk subplot, I had some problems with the were-gerbil romance. Your hero's deception left a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike wood shavings. The suspense portion was also weak. The were-gerbil agent seemed to spin his wheels rather than do any actual investigating.

Lastly, I thought the hero's initial rejection of the heroine was pretty lame. What kind of red-blooded rodent gives up a chance to get a little tail?

On the bright side, the love scenes smoked up the pages, and the setting was very well done. You made that gerbil tunnel come alive! I could almost smell the droppings at the bottom of the cage.

B-

Best regards,

Jill : )

While I appreciate the enthusiasm of your first attempt at gerbil werecraft, I’m sad that you didn’t take the time to research the subject. From what I understand, you wrote this book without so much as a glance at the works that came before. There is a solid body of lore, and when you ignore those books, you risk losing the very readers you want to attract, the life-long avid GerRodFur fans.

When I read that you hadn’t even bothered to leaf through that classic work of literature, Rodent Rapture, and A Gerbil Gentleman, I knew you had missed out on a rich and glorious tradition and were going to try to reinvent the wheel–or even worse throw one into your work. And God, yes, there it was. Steel and squeaky, just like always.

Unfortunately you seemed to have picked up on the oft-repeated cliches floating around with non-readers, and even with your admittedly deft writing style, you can’t make your characters anything more than cartoonish caricatures of the subgenre. I cringed when I got to the wheel love scene. Been there, done that, oh, about a thousand dizzying times. At least you spared us the obligatory habitrail chase, but that’s about the only dreary cliche you left out of the mix.

Chees represents the very worst of GerRodWeres, the stereotype of the alpha rodent, the nimble front paws, the powerful teeth, the oh-so-frequent fast-paced humping, the extensive use of tail action, as other reviewers have remarked.

I hope next time you pick up a pen you go for a paranormal subject that hasn’t been done to death in other, better works.

Dear Publisher,

WTF?????????????

…you ignorant slut. Your “new” book is nothing more than an obvious a rip-off of the time-honored Hamshifter genre. Did you really think that you could just stick a tail on one of the Hhamsterene and not have anyone notice?!!?

Oh, granted, the fact that Cheesel can use that tail to perform a Double Penetration all by himself while simultaneously kissing Ho-Lotta probably caused all the female readers blush prettily. But one kinky sex scene does not make a novel. (And let’s face it: any protagonist that needs a tail to balance on his hind legs will never measure up to the virility of such heroes as Jack Hammer.) The foragingg, the scratchingg, nest-buildingg…Jane, Jane, simply adding a “g” doesn’t make these passages original! It simply imparts an element of impurity to scenes that were handled with consummate skill in such Ham-lit classics as For Ham the Belle Toils and Dial R for Rodent.

Most egregious were the attempts at poetry scattered throughout the book. Who do you think you are, A. S. Byatt? The life-cycle of a gerbil is hardly a fitting subject for an epic poem.

My nuts, scattered on
the ground like
woodshavings.
Burrow, burrow into the
sands of night.
Claw not the hand that
lifts you
bodily
into
the
air.
For you may fall.

Please. I’ve read sunflower seed bags that had better imagery. Nor can I find anything to commend the clarity of your writing, since half your readers seem not to have grasped the fact that Cheesel, far from turning into a cute little ball of fur during the full moon, in fact becomes a 180-pound rodent bent on feedingg and f*ckingg.

Fitting, in a way; reading this amateurish debut was like getting mounted and penetrated by a giant gerbil still sandy from its bath.

F

And besides, You Bitches wouldn’t know a plot if it walked all over you.

And I just want to say, it’s HARD to write good. You have no idea. Ya’ll are just jealous, ’cause she has a contract with Paranoid Prissy Press! I think Dara Joy and that Corey guy she is with are starting it up, so ya’ll can laugh all you want, but these are two people who really know what they are doing in the publishing world.

Just ’cause ya’ll can’t write, you feel like you can take it all out on this amazing love story!