Wow, this sucker punched me in a good way. I am definitely interested in more, but I agree that I was also distracted by some of the grammatical mistakes. I hope you’ve got more and this will turn into a book.

The first time Christopher cut me, it was as though the knife sliced his flesh as it did mine. His hands shook so much, the blade sunk deep into my back while nicking the side of his pinkie.

See, if he cuts himself while he’s cutting the narrator, it’s not “as if” he’s cutting himself–he’s actually cutting himself.

I think this is a good idea and a strong voice, and my hope is that you’ll fix the redundancies and glitches on the next edit.

More importantly, ditto to the people who said that it’s a bit problematic for a YA book: either it’s not representative of the book and people who might have otherwise enjoyed the rest are going to put it down after the first sentence, or it is representative and you’re going to have a hard time selling it as YA as a first novel.

I’m semi-hooked, in that I like the idea and the set up, but as RKB pointed out, it is similar to the X-men set up for Angel/Archangel. Also, I agree about tightening up the first bit – it’s awkward to start in the past and move to the present in the manner you have done here.

But, I think it has real promise. Good luck.

as a YA librarian and a YA fantasy reviewer, this would definitely end up on my “Errr, problematic” pile.

Not that actual teens don’t love the gore and violence and angst. But BREAKING DAWN would never have made it as a YA novel if Meyer hadn’t had the billions of sales behind her, and I know plenty of high school and public libraries that wouldn’t put it in the teen section. A first time author has a much higher hurdle to jump. (Of course, you may already have a solid sales record and are just trying to break into a new market, in which case things are a bit different)

Either tone it down a bit, or go for an adult audience. Only you know where the story is going from there, and which option would work best.

Don’t change a darned thing. I was completely sucked in by your writing and your voice (like Jill said, casual and loose) and the story.

Brava.

Good stuff! One of the best ones up on First Page Saturday so far. :)

[As an aside: I didn't read the heading (with the genre) so when I read the opening words "The first time Christopher cut me" my brain defaulted to a much-loved genre and I pictured a Regency heroine being cut by a disdainful, brooding hero, in the middle of a busy London street!!]

And it didn’t take many sentences before I was hooked. I want to know what happens!

Technical suggestions only:

The first time Christopher cut me, it was as though the knife sliced his flesh as it did mine. His hands shook so much, the blade sunk deep into my back while nicking the side of his pinkie.

I healed within the hour. There was fey blood in me. His wound, however, was raw for a week.

It was one month later.

I would tighten up:

The first time Christopher cut me, he caught his own flesh in the process. His hands shook so much the blade nicked the side of his pinkie as it sunk deep into my back.

I have fey blood; I healed within the hour. His little wound was raw for a week.

That was a month ago.

Another thing, this page reminded me of the warning to beware of the ly siblings: ug, beast, and most heinous of all, writer. In other other words, get rid of the adverbs.

I still want to know what happens . . .

That is a bit “As you know, Bob.” Something more like “If I’m going to be a surgeon, I’m gonna have to be able to do this,” would serve better there.

Also, “buds were” not “buds was”. This was cool, but it could be tighter and cleaner. It just needs a buff, though, not major body work. :)

I’d like to see the opening stick to one particular scene — one place; one time; one incident.

Can you put the reader firmly in the ‘now moment’? The ‘telling’ about what happened the month before and in her childhood, and plans for what would happen next month could, perhaps, be subordinated to what is happening now.

You have intriguing action. That’s a good draw. But ‘character’ is an even stronger play, and it’s a card you can lay down at the same time you’re running the action.

Looking at the ‘commercial’ side. (And I preface this by saying I’m not an expert on marketing in any way shape or form so you can take this with a good bit of salt. )

Your opening tells us what the whole book will be like.

If your overall story is full of gore and mutilation and torture and splattered blood and brain consumption and the other delightful standbys of current YA literature,
then you’re doing the opening right.

OTOH, if what you got here is an unusual scene — if the consensual pain and blood-letting is not followed by chapters and chapters of Kushiel-Dart sorta plot — then you have lost much of your proper audience by plopping the horrid-and-sanguinary up front.

If folks who lay the book down at ‘The first time Christopher cut me,’ would have hated the rest of the book,
you’re golden.

If you’ve just lost readers who ‘do-not-read-books-about-people-cutting-themselves-no-thank-you-no’ but who would have loved the rest of your story . . .
then you are not so golden
if you see what I mean.

I’m dying to know if this is an angel or what. Because the white feathery wings says Angel to me. Faeries tend to have the sheer, membrane and vein wings or butterfly wings, not feathers.

Very interesting, I hope you keep writing.