Serena was pacing around her hotel room for the second time when her cell phone rang. She waited until the third ring to pick it up, after she'd taken a couple of deep breaths. It could only be one person. Let him wait until her racing heart recovered.
Dispassionately, she noticed her fingers shook when she picked the cell phone up and thumbed the call button.
“Miss Chirk?”
“Yes.” What a stupid question. Only Jones knew where to find her.
“Not good enough,” the male voice snapped. “Doctor, not Miss. Remember your persona. Newly qualified and proud of it. Get it right every time, you hear me?”
She sighed. “Sure.”
Jones continued to harass her, as he always did. “You can speak freely if you wish, but only on this phone. You understand?”
“Yes.” She was new to this game, not stupid. But she knew if she tried to tell him that, he'd only repeat what he'd told her a thousand times before and make her recite it back to him. And then she'd end up with another sleepless night worrying about the task ahead. He'd wound her up spring-tight over the last six months, until strain, tension and lack of sleep had turned her into someone she hardly knew.
After tomorrow, she'd become someone else, going undercover for the first time. And hopefully, the last. They wanted her, they'd asked her, she'd said no. So they'd made her an offer she couldn't refuse. If she didn't do this, she went to jail for something she hadn't done. Some choice.
She was an academic, not a politician, although as things turned out politics wouldn't have been a bad extracurricular course. Better than fifteenth century metal manufacturing techniques in the Low Countries, as matters had turned out.
The man she knew as John Jones-’and there was a fake name if she ever heard one-’had become her immediate boss. Until further notice although if she performed this one task well, she could get out that much faster. Or so Jones had promised her.
“You were seen today, out shopping. I told you to stay put. What the hell did you think you were doing?”
A spark of anger touched her, and like flame to a fuse, it began to fizz, burning away her despair and fear. “Like you said, shopping. I thought I'd go stir crazy in this place.”
Jones sighed. “Okay, we're pushing you hard. But you know how important this is. Tonight, get some R&R. Just a little. Have a good meal, a drink or two. Kick back and get used to being Serena Chirk. I’ll put someone on to watch you.” It sounded like a good idea. All except the last part.
“I might.”
“I want you in bed early, thinking hard about the assignment, so don't stay out late. This is your first, Serena. You might find you like it. We might want to keep you.”
That last sentence sounded like a threat rather than a promise. Jones had dragged her into the Bureau against her will, forced her to go through training she still sucked at and then shoved her into the field. Only the one fact-’that she was one of the two experts in the USA in this particular field-’stopped him from throwing her to her fate, or so he'd said repeatedly over the last six months. If she didn't succeed, she could wave goodbye to Serena Forrester, or serve the jail sentence.
Anger and recklessness filled her, replacing the despair and nervousness that had consumed her up until now.
Her hand tightened on the receiver. “You know what, Jones, or whatever your name is? You've shoved national security at me and you’ve destroyed my life. I'm tired of it, do you hear me? After this, I want my life back. And tonight, I'm taking a bit of it back for myself. Before I start your fucking job, before I get the sword back, I'm having tonight. Don't send anyone to watch me, don't call me because I'm off duty.”
She didn't wait to hear his answer. If he sent someone after her, she'd see just how good her self-defense lessons turned out to be. Kicking a man in the balls might alleviate some of the sheer fury she felt when she recalled how easily they'd used her. She had to admit her fury was aimed at herself, just as much as the Bureau. It had proved childishly easy for them to use her.
She cut the call and immediately switched off the phone.
Before now she'd had nothing but respect for the law enforcement agencies. Now…?
Well fuck them. Fuck them all. Tonight was hers, the last night before she went into servitude for God knew how long, posing as someone she wasn't, lying and stealing in the name of justice. If she were to become someone else, she'd really get into character tonight. Have a few drinks, maybe find a man to flirt with. Something completely out of character for the dedicated academic from a prestigious university. Serena Forrester had never managed to walk into a bar on her own and flirt with strangers, so maybe Serena Chirk might. Who the hell cared, because she didn't. Not any more.
Striding to the closet, she grabbed her jacket, the only thing left there, then went back to the table where she'd thrown her meager belongings. She'd already packed, having nothing else to do with her time, and her case stood by the door, ready to wheel out the next morning.
She found her hotel room card and her wallet, then paused and stared at herself in the mirror.
Shoving her long, dark hair back off her face she secured it with a clip, leaving the shorter strands at the front to swing free. A quick application of lipstick and she'd done She was nobody. Just for tonight, she was nobody. A symbol, caught between one life and the next, and her slate completely blank. She could write whatever she wanted on it, and nobody would know. Neither Serena Forrester nor Serena Chirk would be responsible for her actions tonight.

Now I'm going to sound whiney. I'm so tired of hearing that heroines ARE whiney. Can't someone be in a crappy situation and be a bit annoying?

man, you put me in a bad situation, you can guarantee, I’m going to whine at least a little.

I’d probably try to keep ‘most’ of it tucked inside, where I’m the only one who knows I’m whining, but since we’re supposed to get inside the heroine’s head…eh, in all honesty, it’s unrealistic to think characters shouldn’t ever come off as whiny.

Most of us, at some point in our lives, have probably been a little whiny. more than likely, it’s happened at a bad time/stressful time/tumultuous time. But us writers just love to put our characters through the wringer, so those bad times are going to come. I don’t think I mind a little whining, if it’s justified, and not over the top.

Also, the “Miss/Ms.” thing is just too artificial, coming from a standing start like that: if her controller expects her to get snappy about one mistaken honorific, he’s an unrealistic micromanager.

Let the story unfold a little more slowly. The readers will catch up with you. It’s a great idea, and it’s going to work.

Now I’m going to sound whiney. I’m so tired of hearing that heroines ARE whiney. Can’t someone be in a crappy situation and be a bit annoying? MUST they be women of steel, able to leap past bad decisions, bad situations in a single bound. Give the character a chance.

I know you’ll do just fine with this book. Get the para clearer up front, and you’ll be golden.

She’s being used, and she knows it. I didn’t put her dilemma strongly enough in that scene, and that was one of the mistakes I made. She’s been accused of having sex with a minor, which for an educator is devastating. It will lose her her job, her reputation, and her liberty. She didn’t do it, of course, and the organisation she thinks is the FBI has the evidence that will free her. They’ve offered her the deal – authenticate the sword, and she can go. (There’s a substitute “Serena” doing her jail sentence while she’s doing this ‘favour’ for the FBI). She’s not an action queen, she sucks at it, which the reader will shortly discover. She also sucks at the secret agent thing (Michael bubbles her almost immediately).

I found in my research that medieval hand-made swords have almost a “fingerprint” in the way the steel is tempered and hammered, and Serena is one of only a handful of people who can authenticate it and be trusted enough by the art community to be believed. But the sword holds another secret, and this is where Michael comes in.

And then I wrote Michael’s scene and it just flowed and since the two events are happening at the same time (Michael getting the sword and Serena pacing her hotel room) it doesn’t really matter to the plot which one I start with. So I needed help with that, too.

Anyway, I’ve been hammering away at this thing for months when I’ve not been working on my published and contracted work, and I got to a stalemate.

So after your advice, here’s what I’ve decided to do:
I’ve decided to start with Michael, because it gets the reader straight into the ‘world’ and then move to Serena’s more reflective scene. Then they meet, and, well, if this ever finds a publisher, you’ll discover what happens next.

I’ve decided to refine Serena’s scene, start with her nervous (hand trembling when she picks up the phone) and angry later, a definite trigger when Jones says something and turns her mood. I’ve written a link between Michael and Serena (he sees her on the way back from the job and knows what kind of R & R he wants) so it flows better.

I told you this because I’ve taken part in Query Saturday and I’ve often wondered what happens afterwards, and rarely discovered it.
So wish me luck finding an agent for this baby, because I’m really going to need it in today’s climate! And if you have anything else to say, please do, I’d love to hear any advice you have.
Thanks so much for your help, it’s deeply appreciated.

Would it perhaps be more interesting to encounter this character when she’s doing something that will alter the course of the story?

A reader might feel more sympathetic to a character who is creeping down the fire escape, trying to outwit the organization that’s attempting to ‘use’ her. — “Of course I checked in. Yes. Yes. I’m going to stay in the room all night. I won’t answer the door.”

Then she tosses the gym bag into the alley and jumps down after it, muttering, “Damn it, Jim, I’m a historian, not an acrobat.”

The Chapter Two you propose is an excellent Chapter Two. I’m not sure it would work well as a Chapter One, because we get no glimpse of the central relationship or a problem it will take two to solve.

And if you want to hold off telling the reader about the paranormal element for a full chapter, I’d say you can. Just let it be something you do deliberately, for a story purpose.

As far as the Miss/Ms thing goes…when I was in my teens and very early 20′s, I liked “Miss,” because it was proper and a little ingenue. After I passed 25 w/o securing an MRS, I was more in favor of “Ms,” as “Miss” implied that I was weak, naive, and, um, a virgin. So I was a little snarky abt it (in the 90′s). I do think “Serena” is a lovely, exotic name, and not MarySue-ish.

As far as the 2 excerpts go, I like following the story from a heroine’s point of view, but your second start flows much better (the first seemed choppy to me for some reason), and gets to the point of the book more quickly.

Best of luck!

Nitpick- the Miss/Ms thing. Does anyone actually get snarky over that these days? Even if they are young and *ugh* sassy (hate sassy as much as I hate feisty).

Umm…. yes…lol. I’ve had my head taken off any number of times for such an error.

Nitpick- the Miss/Ms thing. Does anyone actually get snarky over that these days? Even if they are young and *ugh* sassy (hate sassy as much as I hate feisty).

I sure don’t care, although I do often notice what people use. Although I did go quietly bananas when my bank put “Miss” on my cheques when I’d ordered the cheques to have no title at all.

More to the point, I think Tracey raises some really good points about this. Even though you say she’s no Anita Blake, she does come off as the type. And the academic expertise that this character supposedly has seems more like a plot device than an authentic aspect of her character. For instance, the reference to her specialty in Medieval weapons seemed really generic.

Other things seemed like they needed to be tightened up:

It would only prolong the tedium. His insistence on treating her like a child infuriated her.

This whole situation made her nervous as hell.

A bit of a rollercoaster – three emotions in three sentences? Bored, furious, nervous? Didn’t ring true.

Her body hummed with anger
Anger and recklessness filled her heart.
Anger filled her heart.

I have to say, tired or not, she is not a person I’d want to spend my reading time with. Maybe mentioning the sleep deprivation early on would help though? A reference to how happy she is to be in the hotel, because of the treatment she’s been getting? I don’t know. The constant allusions to her anger and how things infuriate her really put me off, though. I like my action heroines stoic, I guess. And is her name intended to be ironic?

Also, is there anyway to show her nervousness about this instead of just her irritation? I’d feel more sympathetic to someone who’s lashing out because she’s nervous, scared and doesn’t feel in control.

And for the new chapter:

A door opened, a crack of golden light gleaming through. “In here,” a low male voice said. Michael didn't move. “Serenissima.”

The code word. Michael murmured the response, “El más sereno,” and moved forward.

Why wouldn’t the Thug have said the code word first if there’s a response to it to make sure Michael was the right man before inviting him in?

A container for the very essence of a shape-shifting dragon, given to the weapon with the lifeblood, and capable of making another shape-shifter.

I don’t understand. I’ve reread it a few times and maybe I’m being slow, lol, but the only thing that makes sense to me is that with the sword, a sword they’ve left in the hands of a human museum although it’s dangerous to them, someone can create another shape-shifter. How? By killing a shape-shifter with it and then an Immortal style power transfer happens? By taking the blood of a shape-shifter and putting it in the container?

Other than that, the voice is catchy. I can understand part of her anger but it would be nice if you added a few more layers to it. Even if she doesn’t think she’s scared, mentioning something taht we as a reader can see is a result of fear and not just anger would be nice, make it easier to feel for her.