I don't agree that there's no point in putting up a first page from a work that has been accepted for publication. Writers don't stop honing their craft when they become published. If they're brave enough to ask for feedback here, why shouldn't they have the opportunity to benefit from it?

You have a point, there. Especially when the writer knows she is not likely to get reviews in every publication. And honestly, this forum is a lot more helpful than a book review, per se. Um, in that spirit, I have to say (and bear in mind, erotica is not really my thing), the cover is a bit much.

Looks like this one just came out!

What is the point of submitting a first page to an already accepted story? Or is the backlog that long on DA?

A revision would probably be best.

I was enthralled with the world you were building. The Princess was obviously in the line for a reason and I really wanted to know why. The King’s height is way too tall for me! I can’t imagine a male being that tall. That’s the only thing that really turned me off.

Good job!

I did give a snort as the Leonor king “looped off the dais”. I know it was just a spelling error but this one struck me as funny for some reason.

Also sff names are not easy to come up with but the right one can make a big difference in how a story reads. Norton called her catlike alien race Salariki, Cherryh called hers Hani. Both names easy to mentally or physically pronounce and neither are strongly reminiscent of any other common English word.

While the names in this excerpt might just be place holder names, I would suggest some brainstorming to try to come up good names that won’t have the reader having to work to avoid other associations. It might be a good idea to come up with a few conventions to be used when inventing names such as for instance having the name of one sex ending in a soft vowel while the other ends in a hard consonant or maybe honorifics can be added to the beginning or end of names to distinguish sex and/or status. And avoid apostrophes, too many apostrophes makes my head go all explody.

Also, “High Visor”? Do you mean “vizier” here? “Visor” doesn’t make any sense. If it’s short for “advisor” then I suppose you could render it as ” ‘visor ” or similar, but it still makes him sound like something you would wear for tennis.

And never call anyone “Karloff” (or “Lugosi” for that matter). It’s still too soon.

The technical flaws (the confusing first paragraph, misspellings, odd word choices above) are really getting in the way of what is potentially a very interesting story. I like the idea of powerful lion-like beings with an advanced civilization.

Why thank you kindly.
It’s the old emphasis trick.

The sun revealed her red-rimmed eyes.
versus
She lifted her face in the sunlight to reveal red-rimmed eyes.

Same picture. Except we’ve added motivation and intent and suchlike.

Do you have a beta/proofreader or other editor involved at this stage? In addition to the unclear grammar, there are some spelling errors you will definitely want to weed out.

Also, he is described as having claws and a lair and that they are all ” Leonor”.. I googled Leonor and came up with “womans name” and ” brand of hairspray”.

Same with the unfamiliar use of the word “Visor”

Anyway, I don’t want to discourage the author at all, tweak the descriptions and carry on!

I like the lyricism of the writing. Very fine. Very sensual.

I do notice the amount of description in this passage.

Now description is not bad in and of itself, of course, but I wonder whether we should see so much right up front.
The first scene is where we lure the reader in with action and motivation and emotion.
Description tends to be static.

I think this feeling of ‘static description’ comes from all these inanimate objects doing stuff all over the place.

Viz

leather shifted
body tightened
claws extended
low (in his gut) burned
scents washed
bone structure created
muscles gave
dress highlighted
cheek bones made
body drew
and so on …

So much lively action assigned to body parts.

Inanimate object cannot feel guilt or scheme or enjoy soup or make decisions or admit mistakes.
People can.

People show intent and motivation and cool stuff like that when you make them the subject of sentences.

So. Fr’instance.

Take this passage which is inanimate objects being the subject of sentences.

Elegant bone structure created perfect features. It was just unnecessary over-kill that each feature also embodied whatever it took to rouse a male libido. Eyes slightly larger than average gave her innocent appeal that naturally led a male to speculate what it'd take to turn those silver eyes sultry. Sculpted cheek bones under delicate smooth skin, distinctly humanoid nose above lush lips made any view of her profile fascinating

We can recast it so people are subjects of sentences …

Sahara lowered her round, innocent eyes to the carpet at her feet. So modest. She used that elegant bone structure, the delicate skin, the lush lips, as weapons. Every intact male in the room was watching her, sniffing her scent, wondering what it would take to turn those silver eyes sultry. And she knew it.

We don’t lose the description by doing this. But now the verbs are talking about people feeling and acting, rather than what cheekbones and skin are doing.

And people just naturally have a wider range of interesting motivations than cheekbones.

Finally — a pair of niggles here …

– I know this is early draft. Later on, when it comes time to pick your beta readers, make sure you include someone who can pick up errors of the visor/vizier and planed/planned type.

– And again, I know this is early stage and the names are placeholders. But names on exotic planets should probably not remind the reader of major publishing houses, deserts in Africa, or spooky actors.

I’m not sure why – I’ve no biased for or against fp – but something about it struck me that the guy concerned would sound better as fp. *shrug *

The first paragraph just needed a bit tweaking to clarify what was happening. For example, with the bolded parts being my additions:

Tor hadn't planed on killing anyone today but a male at the back was earning himself a future measured in minutes. ***How dare he stand so close to the Imperial Highness of ***? And what the eternal bells was she doing in his audience hall, anyway? Bastard had better not touch her.

This makes his POV deeper and also sets up the mindset of the character, along with telling just a bit about her and the main character’s social standing.

The mental undressing/body description went just a tad too long. You can sprinkle the information later, perhaps during the conversation in Page 2, when (I’m imagining this part, of course) he’d be snarling rudely at her being there while unable to take his eyes off her form, etc. That would add to his tension and emphasize how out-of-control he was (since you mentioned claws, I’m expecting animalistic possessiveness, etc., yes?)

I liked the uber-male loping off the throne and stalking parts. I also liked the way he greeted her, trying to sound “normal.” Not sure about the moonrise metaphor, though.

Thanks for sharing. I think you have good elements of an interesting world here.