I liked the plot, but seriously? Start IN the action. Don’t begin with ennui. There are very, very few authors who I can think of who could start with ennui and keep me interested.

In fact, the first name that comes to mind is Vonnegut, and he’s dead. That should tell you something.

because it was “acclaimed.” Apocalypse Now. The Redux version.

really cracked me up. Met too many indie boys who felt it was “acclaimed” as well. The Redux version.

Another view I have is while others criticized the character’s boredom which leads to reader boredom, I thought the jokes were helpful to offset reader boredom. Obviously, the pace of such jokes should be dialed down as the book goes along and plot takes over, but they were funny enough to me to keep going on this first page. I probably am the only person commenting so far who even enjoyed the FUCKU joke. I thought it was a jab at institutional bureaucracy in the vein of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; that people shouldn’t be surprised an acronym like that could be pushed through without nobody noticing until it’s too late and then you’re stuck with it.

I didn’t feel the heroine was unlikable and bitchy; I rather thought she was valiantly trying to hold back her sarcastic and snarky side and I love sarcastic women who deflate the egos of men. Of course until they meet THE GUY and their soft side comes out. With the all the pop culture references, I thought that she really was thinking like someone my age who’s watched too much TV and would throw that mashup into their thoughts. I would have read this book until I found out what a Reader does and then decided whether I would continue.

I will agree with the others though, that the technical aspects and the dialogue needs to be cleaned up, but all-in-all, I’m a reader who reads for voice and I liked yours.

“I will not give this assignment to just anyone.”

And you’ve lost me on the first line. Who says “will not”? People say won’t. This is stilted and unnatural. All the dialogue in this is really too formal and stilted. Read it out loud. Trim accordingly.

The second paragraph doesn’t get any better.

“Dr. Alan Carruthers, loved to lord the fact that he was in charge over her….Carruthers believed that he held his employees' very lives in his hands, and expected them to act accordingly.”

Man with the infodump. Can you just show us this stuff with the rest of the scene? To me, sentences like these insult my intelligence and they wreak of the inexperienced writer who feels the need to spell everything out for the reader. Not good. Show not tell.

This just feels really overwritten. You’re trying too hard. The Big Head ref, the FUCKU thing, the apocalypse now thing…Ease up a bit. In fact, as I continue reading this whole page is pretty much a fat load of infodump. It’s not polished and it’s not engaging. I wouldn’t read this.

Thanks for sharing…. I felt the general concept is sound but agree with the many that the grammar and expression need polishing up. Someone above pointed out a lack of contractions which deprive the passage of a more even flow.

Another of example of labored writing can be found here: “loved to lord the fact that he was in charge over her.” Please when you revise the passage omit “the fact that”! Such phrasing sounds as if you’re trying to be writerly and deaden the prose.

Also, is she British? Neither speaker sounds English. “Awesomeness” brings to mind Valley Girls not Sloane Rangers (as does gum cracking and bored grooming).

All said and done, you’ve got the backbone of an interesting story. What it needs is some generous revision and editting. All books start somewhere.

When you’re starting a manuscript, it’s sometimes hard to get the character’s voice right. I can think of several paranormals I’ve read where what was intended to be a kick-ass heroine came across as a pain-in-the-ass instead.

I suspect this is the latest version of the old mistake in which romance writers confuse bad temper with conflict. Most readers have encountered books where the heroine (or hero) keeps picking fights for no discernible reason beyond that of keeping the story going.

Author, I admire you for trying humor, which is difficult to do well. Don’t give up. Keep writing and keep getting critiques.

Good luck.

I agree that the heroine sounds immature. I was very suprised when the age came up at the end because I was expecting someone in the barely-legal range. She’s got a bratty attitude and does not garner my respect. I’d rather see the boss refer to her experience level than age. If he is as self-important as she claims I can’t see him making an unprofessional comment about her age.

Too many TV/movie references for such a short snippet. Spread them out or cut some out. I didn’t like the FU acro. It’s a cheap joke. Also mark me in agreement concerning punctuation.

I have no problem with the concept of an egotistacal boss and staff who dislike him, (sounds like my day job) but that’s just about all we get here. We have no taste of what she does as a Reader. I’d like to see some of the page space redirected to moving the story forward instead of harping on what a prig he is. There is minimal story or world building on this page. My interest as a reader is not being tweaked and I don’t feel any curiosity or pull to turn the page because of it.

If I had the book in-hand I’d probably read it, but I wouldn’t buy based on this page.

… being gracious in the face of some pretty tough criticism.

Yes. Very classy! Not many could have had the good attitude you did.

To me, it boils down to this: This is the first page (and in this case, our only page) of the book. As readers, we have nothing to go on but what you give us, and we can feel nothing except the emotions of the POV character. If you give us a character who is bored, impatient, and disinterested – we readers are bored, impatient, and disinterested. We are Caroline to your Carruthers. We’re drumming our nails, rolling our eyes, wondering just how we got into this. We start nitpicking your commas and dialog tags. (Not that mechanics aren’t important, but they’re fixable.)

Personally, I think this shows you’re a good writer, in that you have a knack for evoking emotions with words. You really had me feeling Caroline’s frustration. :)

My advice, for what it’s worth -
Author, don’t doubt yourself. Just try writing an opening scene where Caroline is interested, engaged, and invested in the outcome. Chances are, your readers will be too.

Best of luck!

I do see a lot of the addressed concerns. To me, they are cosmetic issues, grammar and the character’s repetitive thoughts about her boredom, and these are definitely issues that can be corrected. I do feel it’s important they be corrected, but since the voice is interesting enough, I’d want to read more.

I’d say smooth out the heroine some, clear up the tags ( I still fight with my dialog tags) ~yep, get rid of the acronym, and keep writing.

Grammar, unless it’s egregious, I ignore otherwise I’d never get through many books.

I thought the voice was strong enough that the stylistic things could be ignored.

Dialog tags are a matter of choice, I expect. Some people use something other than ‘said’ endlessly. My hated one is he ‘gritted.’ But bestselling authors get away with it. He said/she said can get boring, but I think it’s a matter of author/editor/reader taste.

Keep submitting.

Other than that, although it didn’t grab my attention it didn’t turn me off like it did others, depending on the back blurb I’d probably continue reading to see if it picked up.

I suggest you find a critique partner who won’t mind helping you go over your manuscript. Or even someone who’ll go over it once with a red pen, show you all your mistakes and then you can learn what you do repeatedly and break yourself of the habit.

1. Yes, the grammar needs to be cleaned up. Lots of examples were already given so I won’t belabor the point.

2. It would be better to play down the repetition of the heroine’s boredom. Ditto for the boss being a blowhard.

3. A lot of this could be tightened up-’some paragraphs cut completely from this section or trimmed. Ditto for a lot of the dialogue tags.

4. Contractions. Show me them. *g* Srsly, some of this is a bit stiff/too formal because the lack of contractions.

5. If the assignment is so important it's odd that he just hands over the envelope and she leaves? Your hook in this scene is the assignment (and by extension the nature-’and name-’of the secret organization). That’s what is going to push the plot forward, and that’s what should be the focus of the scene once you’ve introduced the characters and the set-up, rather than going on about the heroine being bored by a bore.

You can show/tell more about her dissatisfaction (and his personality and physical description) as the story progresses.

I trimmed/re-arranged some of the paragraphs below as an example of what you could do in terms of tightening the pacing/focus of the scene. I only added one line, the rest is all your material/words. (unfortunately my trimmed got rid of a lot of your humor, which I did like):

“I will not give this assignment to just anyone. The request for a Reader came down from the highest level of the Baris family.”

Carruthers surveyed her over the rims of his glasses, clearly waiting for the awesomeness of his words to hit her. Caroline arranged her face into what she hoped passed for some kind of enraptured expression.

“I am hesitant to send someone who is ill-prepared for what they may encounter,” he droned on.

Oh for the love of god just get on with it already. She stifled a sigh, drumming red-lacquered nails on the worn armchair. “Drop-Dead Red” was her current favorite polish, though she had been known to favor “Perfectly Purple” on occasion. So few jobs had come her way over the last two months she had started painting her nails daily in the office.

“Ms. Deteroit, are you even listening to me?”

“Of course sir.” She straightened in her chair.

“I cannot afford failure in this.” He pulled a small note from the folder on his desk and held it out to her. “Your record has been impeccable thus far, which is the only reason I trust someone of your age to handle the matter. Despite your young age, I feel you will do well with this.”

She went to take the piece of paper from him but he pulled back at the last second, his eyes locking with hers.

“Don't make me regret this.”

“No, sir,” she said, finally wrestling the page from his hand.

I like parts of this very well but not enough to have kept reading. You made me dislike your heroine and want whatever beasts were out there to WIN. Soften her up a bit. Make her and her boss less stereotypes. It feels like Hill Street Blues Ghost Hunters.

Honestly, I’d name the association something else and then, if you’re absolutely enamored of the FUCKU joke, mention they’d originally tried to name it that but someone pointed out what the acronym spelled, and thought they chose a different name FUCKU stuck among the members. Which would also give you the opportunity to have your heroine refer to the group as FUCKU and have her superiors be disapproving.

As far as her being likable, yes, characters should grow and change. But we’re not going to want to stick around to see it if there’s nothing redeeming about her to begin with. Again, if for example Carruthers had hit on her when she was training, and now constantly uses his position to get revenge on her for turning him down (a cliche idea but you see my point) that would give her a reason for being so rude about him. Or if he was promoted over her beloved mentor because Carruthers’s wife donated a bunch of money, or something–which would also give us a reason to sympathize with her and put us on her side. But as someone else pointed out, he seems here like a normal man who expects her to take her work seriously, and she’s pissed off at him for that, which makes her unlikeable.

BTW, what is the “highest level” of a family? Or is it like a crime family?

I recommend you grab a copy of Strunk & White’s Elements of Style. Not expensive but extremely helpful. As Darlynne says, the punctuation and structure issues are not stylistic differences, they’re just plain wrong.

I do want to say, though, that you do show some flair and humor. Writing anything that incites strong reactions in people is a good sign; I bet with a better grasp of the technical aspects of writing and a little more polish, you could really go somewhere. So don’t be discouraged. We really are trying to help.

Caroline is, in a word, obnoxious. In one page, we learn that she sits around polishing her nails at work, is tempted to start cracking bubble gum as well, and rolls her eyes at and growls at her boss–who doesn’t come across as a bad person, merely one who wants the work done. She seems to regard simple courtesy as sucking up to the boss, and has a truly odious sense of entitlement.

Now, I have met Carolines. I’ve even worked with them. They’re lazy, rude, immature, arrogant and behave as if they are doing both bosses and clients a favor by doing the job that they are being paid to do. They are thoroughly unpleasant people to work with, and I would not spend one iota of time reading about one. I would prefer to have a likable protagonist, thank you. It is possible for a character to be strong, independent and capable without behaving as if everyone else is beneath her.

Then there is the organization. Much has already been made of the acronym FUCKU. I am more interested in the organization itself. A group that investigates the supernatural sounds like a cross between the organization in the Thursday Next books, Anne Rice’s Talamasca, The X-Files and Torchwood. I’ve seen the idea of such a group dozens, perhaps scores of times already, both in published works and in fanfic. I don’t mind an unoriginal concept if the main character is engaging, but under the circumstances…well, the book has two strikes against it as it is.

Then there are your errors with punctuation and grammar:

1) Dr. Alan Carruthers, loved to lord the fact that he was in charge over her.
What’s that comma doing after Carruthers?

2) “The request for a Reader came down from the highest level of the Baris family.”
I have an intense dislike for random capitalization. At this point, I have no way of knowing if the word “Reader” is an actual title in the organization or if it’s a common noun incorrectly capitalized. However, having seen a LOT of random capitalization in the past few years, I’m going to assume the second.

3) feeling like a rip off
Rip-off. Please remember the hyphens.

4) The F.U.C.K.U. (an acronym that had to be pronounced letter by letter for reasons the staff found hilarious) was an organization run by a conglomeration of Witches, Vampires, and Keverèk.
Again–why are these last few words being capitalized? They shouldn’t be. They’re common nouns, not proper nouns.

5) Generally speaking, they were a research lab that gathered and housed information about all things that went bump in the night.
To whom does “they” refer? The conglomeration of witches, vampires and keverek? If so, “they” can’t be a laboratory. The organization–FUCKU–can be. But people can’t be a thing. “They” should be “it.”

6) “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” She muttered under her breath in her best imitation of Robert Duvall.
NO. The sentence isn’t complete until the vocal tags end. So the correct way to write this would be:

“I love the smell of nail polish in the morning,” she muttered under her breath in her best imitation of Robert Duvall.

This is basic English punctuation that you can pick up by reading. PLEASE LEARN IT.

7) “Of course sir.” She lied.
Correct form: “Of course, sir,” she lied.

8) “Please sir, I truly want this job.” She insisted.
Correct form: “Please, sir, I truly want this job,” she insisted.

9) Note to self: If you want the most rewarding job to come through the Reader Dept. in months, don't piss off the boss by growling at him.
Spell out the word “Department.”

10) “No, sir.” She said, finally wrestling the page from his hand.
Correct form: “No, sir,” she said, finally wrestling the page from his hand.

11) She was twenty nine years old
No, she was “twenty-nine.” Don’t forget the hyphen.

That’s a lot of problems in just one page of writing.

It’s possible that the story might be salvaged. The acronym for the organization has to go, though; the joke isn’t particularly funny the first time around and it really won’t be funny after three hundred pages or so of repetition. Caroline needs to become more likable and sympathetic and less snotty. And you really, really need to get hold of a good guide to punctuation, as you’re clearly having a great many difficulties in punctuating dialogue.

Good luck.