Agreed. It isn't like it's the hero chanting.

That would be interesting. I’d be interested to see if any author could pull that off and redeem a hero who starts out like THAT. :D

IMO, the whole purpose of the opening line is to convey the disgust and out-of-placeness the heroine feels. So if readers are recoiling, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Agreed. It isn’t like it’s the hero chanting.

The thing is (and this is directed toward the writer), if half the readers here hate the first line, and half either love it or don’t care, it’s a wash. Not to discount individual reader reaction ;-), but outside personal taste shouldn’t drive a writer’s choices. In any case, the ultimate decision remains with the editor who buys your book (and no editor is going to categorically reject something based on one line), since she knows what that imprint’s readership will generally accept or not.

Much more important are the general comments — of needing to strengthen the characterization right out of the gate, to give the prose more punch. That done, then you decide which editors/houses are the best fit for the work as it stands (after rewrites, of course). The value of presenting your page in an open venue like this is in being able to get a consensus of what works and what still needs work. But at every stage of the process — either pre- or post-publication — you’re going to run into differing opinions. The trick is in learning to pick which of those resonate with your own vision for the book, and which ones don’t. :)

Can you please not start a story with the milk bags?

Ironic to complain about ‘tits’ by using a much more disgusting term. Was this really necessary?

Then you lost me with all the sweater business and the infodump on the not-Mardis Gras.

The people who are saying you don’t have to hook right in with action are right but there still does need to be some kind of hook on this page- a character, an emotion- something that I didn’t get from this.

Just FYI.

Can you please not start a story with the milk bags? Kthx.

And Leah, you could try Evil Editor for your query letter. He does query face-lifts, writing exercises and opening pages–with a humorous twist. And he’ll take any genre.

J

And then, do we have to be in New Orleans again? How many writers have brought us there? I'd love a new city to have some biting happen. Where? Des Moines? Burbank? Olympia? If I were an editor, I might say, damn straight, let's have me some N'Orleans so I can sell this puppy. But as a reader, I'm thinking, damn, can I have me some Portland, Oregon? So maybe ignore all that.

The text clearly indicates Mardis Gras is a club in New England, not that the action is taking place in New Orleans.

BTW, that doesn’t happen to be the Mardis Gras in Rhode Island, does it?

And then, do we have to be in New Orleans again? How many writers have brought us there? I’d love a new city to have some biting happen. Where? Des Moines? Burbank? Olympia? If I were an editor, I might say, damn straight, let’s have me some N’Orleans so I can sell this puppy. But as a reader, I’m thinking, damn, can I have me some Portland, Oregon? So maybe ignore all that.

Jessica

Frankly, I’m a little tired of the “straight into the action” story opening. It makes me think of television, the sort of Star Trek formula where the episode starts with an action “hook” (before the first commercial break). I enjoy a gentler start, learning the POV, a main character and the world a bit first. But I agree with others here that for it to work, it must be tightly written. It’s harder to write a start like that, IMO, than the slam-bam action start, but a welcome change if you can pull it off (especially in a paranormal).

Good luck, and here’s hoping we encounter Faith in the future!

But so far it hasn’t grabbed me. I’m guessing the more interesting bits come after page 1?

I think the writing has great potential, I wouldn’t drop the book after this page. Karen T’s rewrite shows how this could explode off the page. The opening line is very good.

The rewrites take the information and make it far more compelling w/o all the media res fascination of the moment. I always like a little back story – ordinary world and all that, before the meeting, event, thing happens – so I would not push the writer to start with action assuming that is everyone’s taste.

And Karen’s rewrite proves you can begin in your heroine’s world, but still hold the reader’s interest.

Good for you, Writer, for accepting the comments in the spirit they were offered. Good luck as you do your rewrites.

However, the writing definitely needs to be tighter and the character more compelling for this to stand out. You’ve got all the elements; now you need to polish them.

Warning: I’ve taken HUGE liberties with this, just to give you an idea of the possibilities, because I do think there are plenty here.

“Show your tits! Show your tits!”

The skull-rattling chant made Faith’s eyes drop to her own chest even though she knew the girls were all safe and sound beneath her cami and sweater. The shouting got louder, threatening to smash her lovely rum-and-coke buzz and making her wonder — again — why the hell she’d let Sandy drag her here.

Again.

Here being Mardi Gras, not the hedonistic New Orlean blowout that preceded Lent — sadly — but a small-town New England watering hole crammed with blue-collar locals and clueless frat boys. The dive’s decor ran to ‘gator heads and bilious purple, green and yellow neon; its major, and only, selling point was how close it was to Faith’s condo. Where God knows she’d rather be now, scarfing down microwave s’mores and blissfully lost in the newest Nora Roberts paperback. A much better way to end the work week than–

The crowd went nuts; Faith caught a glimpse of young, perky breasts before they were buried in an avalanche of shiny plastic beads and a crush of rowdy boys trying to get a closer look.

–this.