For the record, I didn’t notice the opening line, nor the excessive Asa use. The fingernail polish comment nailed Cyn’s gender. But I loved the mysteries that were offered – Who’s the Family? Why do they trust and want Cyn to translate? Who the hell is this dreaded Princess? Loved the interplay between Cyn and Asa. The dialog is natural and tight, as I’ve come to expect from this writer. And I must say – don’t be too jealous now – I got to read chapter two. ;o) It only gets better from here.

LOL I assure you, there is nary a werewolf to be found in this story. Nor is there a vampire. The Family is Fae (fairies, but not the little cute winged kind – the tall, preternaturally beautiful and rather predatory kind). :-)

The only part that threw me out and made me go back and re-read, like Val and Diana, was the 9th paragraph. I kept trying to get it to make more sense, and even though I knew it would become clear later, it annoyed me. Also, as Moth pointed out, I assumed that “far more occasional” was not really what you meant to say.

I LOVE how you just dove into it. I didn’t need any more set-up than what you gave. I got it all. Nicely done!

I see what others have mentioned about the repetition of Asa’s name, but it didn’t bother me. It was invisible to me, just kept me oriented.

I personally don’t mind the POV inconsistencies very much (ex: how can she tell Asa has a pinched expression if she’s not looking at him), but that’s certainly just one opinion. It does drive some people nuts, so you may want to consider addressing it. (Just please don’t lose your voice ‘neaten-ing’ things up!!)

I do see the point about reader distance from Cyn. I did not mind it here in the opening, but as time went on, I’d certainly want to feel like I was in her POV more deeply, at least with a line here or there to reveal her inner workings.

Well-done!

I agreed with the above commenter who said they weren’t too thrilled with the talking heads, though. This doesn’t feel like an opening page. It feels more like what would come after the opening scene. I’m not an advocate of every book starting with an action scene but this just seems an odd place to start. I’m guessing your book- with the polie and fantasy elements- will probably have a fair amount of action scenes so maybe in this case a big bang would be the better place to start. That being said, I definitely would have kept reading after this first page, talking heads or not.

Oh, and here’s my own nitpick: “the demand had been far more occasional than I liked” this reads to me like her translating services are being required less often, not more. Maybe I’m just missing something since no one else commented on this, though.

Best of luck! You seem to be on the right track. :D

I do like that she’s a photographer. A bit of a different take on her role in any given investigation.

I hope the rest of the book does as well as the first page!

I like what I see — Oh yes.

But even more, I’d like to see the story begin in the midst of action instead of with a pair of talking heads.

I’d like to start with a decision made or a goal attempted or a disaster faced. I’d like to walk into events that change the outcome of the story.

This gives us a twofer — we get all the information exchanged here, but we do it while important events take hold and pull us through the story.

That said, this is authorial choice. The writer here is obviously skilled enough that there’s doubtless good reason for this choice.

Even if the plot is old, the story can been new and refreshing. I’ve just read one like that, and I honestly didn’t care the set up was one I’d read quite a bit of. Plots are less important than characters to me, and this first page gave me enough to make me think the author understands that.

I’m looking forward to having the chance to read more soon. :)

I definitely want to read more. I wouldn’t expect all the characterization and answers to be on the first page, so I’m ready for the second. ;-)

For me, if someone compared my manuscript to the first few LKH’s, I wouldn’t complain. ;-)

I sincerely hope you’re finishing up this manuscript and thinking about entering it into contests and such. Great job!

Protagonist is definitely a woman: with a name like Cynara and her fingernail polish. But she’s also overworked and stressed out (ragged fingernails, lost her last bottle of polish and can’t be bothered to look for it). She’s a blunt, impatient type (see how she treats Asa).

She’s got an intriguing job: videographer. Nice! I’ve never read a story about a videographer before. So she has an insider look at the cop workplace but she’s not really one of them. You can do a lot with this. She also has this translation ability that we’ll probably hear more about on the next few pages.

The Family makes me think of organized crime and also nobility. Of course the Family can be both. The nobility aspect is reinforced by mentioning the princess. Readers of urban fantasy might be assuming that the Family is a powerful vampire clan at this point.

Also intriguing is the fact that the police department thinks that Cyn is the only one that the Family trusts, but she herself seems to know better. The relationship is actually more complicated than trust. You haven’t spelled it out here, but you’ve raised the question which makes us want to read on.
The only change I’d suggest centers on your part that reads ” Lately, the demand had been far more occasional than I liked. They'd gotten bolder with the new integration laws. More interaction with society on their part, and no change in their general disinterest in learning our tongue. This, of course, surprised no one.
I drew a blank when I read those lines – I felt like I wasn’t quite receiving the information that these lines were supposed to convey. This section didn’t tell me nearly as much as the rest of your prose, and raised some contradictions for me: the demand [for translation] is more occasional than Cyn likes, yet she’s very unwilling to take this mission with the Family? They [and I think it would help if you named them here - the vampires or whoever ] are interacting more with society but refusing to learn the language?

How can they interact if they won’t learn the language or accept translation services? On the other hand, if they were preying on society rather than trying to interact, then the need to communicate wouldn’t be there. Is the fact that the integration laws are NEW important right now? Maybe this whole part should be moved further in your story and explored more in depth there, and you could keep this first page just focused on the fact that she’s sometimes asked to translate, and she’s unwilling to do this particular mission with the Family.

By the way, I like how nervous Asa gets when he mentions the princess. She sounds like someone to fear, which is a great way to throw off the usual princess cliché.

I had no trouble with the number of times Asa’s name is mentioned, nor did I think Lupe was a werewolf (it’s only a name, a common Hispanic name). Definitely fix that first line as Gina suggested: Cyn can’t see Asa’s pinched look if she doesn’t look up (even if he always sidles in with a pinched look and she’s assuming from past experience).

Great job with this! I’d definitely read it.