And yes, this particular agent does request exactly those items. I will amend it depending on the agency guidelines. Thanks for the feedback!

Or does Xanier know the exact route north because he is her enemy.

Also, does the agent you’re sending it to prefer a synopsis, first chapter, and S.A.S.E. be sent? I suggest following agency guidelines when it comes to that.

I considered everyone’s suggestions and implemented some of them. Others I just couldn’t make work. I tried the hardest to change the conclusion from a pair of questions to statements, but couldn’t get the same zing. I guess this is one of those instances where I have to to ignore conventional wisdom about ending with questions and go with my instinct.

Any thoughts on this 3rd version?

Dear [agent],

Maurwyn realizes no man will love her if he fears her, so she hides her strange power over earthquakes from everyone she knows. Yet, when she learns of a Northerner with similar abilities–a man plotting the ruin of her family and country–Maurwyn senses she's the only one with the power to kill the bastard. But she has to find him first.

A soldier named Xanier grudgingly agrees to guide her north to enemy territory. On the road, Maurwyn wonders what's worse: her growing doubt she'll be able to defeat her enemy, or the occasional darkness in Xanier's eyes. This attractive, disturbing man actually seems to admire her and her power, but when barbarians capture them and beat Xanier as if he deserves it, Maurwyn has to fight for their freedom uncertain he's a man she should be saving.

Has she found the one man who can love her, earthquakes and all? Or does Xanier know the exact route north because he is her enemy.

Between Earth and Fire is a fantasy romance complete at 100,000 words. I’ve enclosed a short synopsis, first chapter, and a S.A.S.E. for your convenience. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Michelle

And thank you Dear Author community for YOUR time :)

I also think that your quick sketch of the conflict, in not knowing if Xanier is the enemy or not, is very effectively done.

For me, this whole section is unclear and confusing:
“…but when barbarians capture them and whip Xanier with the fury of a vendetta, Maurwyn has to fight for their freedom uncertain he's a man she should be saving.”

If you can rewrite that entire section with a slight change in focus, I think it would be more effective. In other words… is it really important that he is whipped? Is it important who does it? Or is it more important that Maurwyn finds herself in a situation in which she must save them both, and by which time she’s not sure if Xanier should be saved? I’m thinking it’s the second. So see if you can re-write it to leave out details that aren’t important and more clearly explain what IS.

Congratulations on a fabulous query!

My only comment is watch for things like this:

“Maurwyn knows she might be the only person with the power to kill the bastard.”

knows she might be? That’s a very precise verb (know) coupled with a wimpy qualifier. You can know you are something; you can not know you are something; but I think that if you know you might be, you don’t know; you believe, you suspect, or you fear.

and:

“A soldier named Xanier is slow to accept her invitation to guide her north to her enemy's territory, but once he does…”

Again, this feels like it could be tightened just a tad. The action is kind of weird: “He’s slow to accept but once he does” just sounds to me like you’re spending half your space describing what doesn’t happen (his not accepting) rather than what does (his grumbling about it). I think it would be stronger if you said something like “He grudgingly accepts employment as her guide north to her enemy’s territory.” (And I changed “invitation” because is it really an invitation, or can you use a more specific word?)

But this is tiny and I’d love to read this story!

Has she found the one man who could love her as she is? Or does Xanier know the exact route north because he is the enemy?

Can you not put those in questions? Some agents dislike (very strongly in some cases) rhetorical questions and/or pitches ending in questions.

Best,

Jessica

I do like what you said here though:

“Maurwyn's desire to govern her family's lands in a world where women just don't do that”

It not only goes towards world-building, but also towards characterization.

Also, ‘vengeful mage' is more vivid than “Northerner with powers like hers”.

Consider the possibility of tweaking your lastest version to something like this: (italics your original phrasing, bolded my suggestions)

Bold, clever Maurwyn Respen desires to govern her family's lands in a world where men have absolute rule. Even the more conventional choice of marriage seems impossible to Maurwyn who realizes no man will love her if he fears her, so she hides her strange elemental powers from everyone she knows. Yet, when she learns of a vengeful mage plotting the ruin of her family and country-she realizes that she might be the only person who can kill the bastard…but she has to find him first.

I'm glad you singled out the line about the barbarians-it bothered me, too. The point is, when the barbarian's whip Xanier it's personal, a way to punish him (for some stuff he did to them-it's justified). It seeming personal strikes Maurwyn as suspect because she had thought this was just a random attack.

How about something along the lines of: “but when a seemingly random barbarian attack is revealed as a mission to bring Xanier to justice” Do you have to specifically mention the whipping?

Good luck with this Michelle. Even if you make no other changes to your query, I’d say it’s good to go.

This attractive, disturbing man actually seems to admire her and her gifts. But when barbarians capture them and take a personal delight in whipping Xan almost to death, leaving Maurwyn with no choice but to use her powers to free them both, she’s left wondering what he’d done to earn such brutal treatment and if he’s a man that even should be saved.

Oh, I looked up Northerner in the dictionary, they had it capitalized.

And thank you for the thank you.:)

Vanessa, I’m so glad you came back. I’m a little gun-shy about detailing Maurwyn’s powers (she can control earthquakes, fire, wind, and water) because in previous versions it seemed to overshadow the conflict, as did Maurwyn's desire to govern her family's lands in a world where women just don't do that. I agree that it might up the stakes, but given the focus of the query, I’m at a loss to know how to include them without distracting from the conflict. Are the stakes strong enough (risk to her family & country) as is?

Erastes (and Shanal and Jeaniene), I'm glad you singled out the line about the barbarians–it bothered me, too. The point is, when the barbarian's whip Xanier it's personal, a way to punish him (for some stuff he did to them–it's justified). It seeming personal strikes Maurwyn as suspect because she had thought this was just a random attack. I tried

“but when barbarians capture them and whip Xanier like it's personal”

But that seems too colloquial for fantasy. Any thoughts?

Kirsten, yes that paragraph is long gone and unlamented for various reasons, as you so eloquently illustrated. :) So glad you like this version!

Shanal, ooh yeah you found the other thing that bothered me: power power power in the first paragraph. Would this work better? (keeping your change to the “only person who can kill the bastard” line)

Maurwyn realizes no man will love her if he fears her, so she hides her strange elemental powers from everyone she knows. Yet, when she learns of a Northerner with magic like hers–a man plotting the ruin of her family and country–Maurwyn knows she might be the only person who can kill the bastard…but she has to find him first.

Oh, and since “north” in my world is just a geographic area and not a cultural appellation (like “The South” in the U.S.) I don't think I'm supposed to capitalize northerner. I could be wrong though.

Laurie, Julie, and Jen–I'm glowing from your encouraging words. This is a first!

And to everyone who posted regarding my old query, it helps to know that the advice I received in the Absolute Write “Share Your Work” forum was sound! Thanks :)

Being an avid reader (10 books a week) this is definately a book I would add to my TBR pile.

Wonderful job.

I’m not a professional writer but I was a little jarred by the use of the word “power” three times so close together. And I think Northerner should be capitalized but I’m not sure.

Anyway, these are just nits. Best of luck!

Dear [agent],

Maurwyn realizes no man will love her if he fears her, so she hides her strange elemental powers from everyone she knows. Yet, when she learns of a Northerner who also manipulates the earth-a man plotting the ruin of her family and country-Maurwyn knows she might be the only person who can kill the bastard…but she has to find him first.

Xanier is slow to accept her request to guide her north to her enemy's territory, but once he does, Maurwyn doesn't know which is worse: her growing doubt she'll be able to defeat her enemy, or the occasional darkness in Xanier's eyes. This attractive, disturbing man actually seems to admire her and her power, but when barbarians capture them and whip Xanier with the fury of a vendetta, (what does that mean?) Maurwyn has to fight for their freedom uncertain he's a man she should be saving.

Has she found the one man who could love her as she is? Or does Xanier know the exact route north because he is the enemy?

Between Earth and Fire is a fantasy romance complete at 100,000 words. I've enclosed a short synopsis, first chapter, and a S.A.S.E. for your convenience.

Thank you for your time,

Michelle

250 – 280 words is about perfect for your hook/plot/conflict summary. If you don’t have that much, you go back and fill in a few more tantalizing details, but this new version is wonderful.

Has she found the one man who could love her as she is? Or does Xanier know the exact route north because he is the enemy?

Oh oh oh, that encapsulates her internal conflict beautifully. I can’t believe the difference between the first letter and this one. Gorgeous.