Believe it or not, this version of the book is less outrageous than the original. Those of you who thought it was a joke – that was exactly the reaction I got when I posted a similar query on Evil Editor's blog back in 2006 (see the archives for July – it's face lift 134). He thought I was kidding and didn't bother to tear it apart (as one of the blogistas observed, “EE is brilliant. He recognizes a joke when he sees one and isn’t going to waste his valuable time critiquing it. But DAMN this is funny shit!”). Anyway I rewrote major sections, redid the query, and yet I'm still getting gasps of disbelief from all and especially from that son-of-a-bitch, sundry.

Jill S., K.Z. Snow – What I meant to do is tap into some Western cultural canons and turn them on their heads, like beauty and the beast (Ferdinand stays ugly, actually gets beastlier, goes from wuss to alpha male), the virgin=good, whore=bad trope (the heroines are hookers, and Lilith is a very powerful social activist), and finally, to make gentle fun of the life-after-death para-immortal-normal genre.

Ann S. – Yes, this is a lolbull! If this book wasn't already so over the top I'd work some of your puns into it.

Kathleen – I appreciate your feedback. I've completed three more books since this one, all of them much more conventional, so maybe I'll send out queries on those and quit focusing on contests.

Sherry T. – I didn't know you can't get a degree in accounting from Harvard. Damn! That's an important plot device. Back to the scribbling board.

Kirsten S., Gennita L., Jan, Michelle M., Vannessa J., NHS, Fae S. – Now I'm conflicted. The book is meant to be funny and yes, outrageous in some respects, but perhaps I'm not successfully conveying the light-heartedness in a serious enough manner? Will work on that. Because the reaction I want from a literary agent is “ooh, this sounds fresh and original,” not “what the fuck?”

Libby – Yeah, I thought something other than vampires would be interesting.

Michelle M., Colleen G., Seressia – Thanks for your comments as they offer some hope that if I persist I might get somewhere with this.

Maya – Maggie is a hooker, and the name is meant to summon up a number of cultural references (Maggie from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Mary Magdalene, among others). Abelard is a Highland bull and he's been a sex slave on an Amish farm.

Jill M., Ann D., Maya, and Angela – you all must have the same warped sense of humor that I do. Going to start reading your blogs.

Anyway, thank you all again, and thanks to the Ja(y)nes for this valuable service. I'm going to rework the query and take everyone's advice! And here's a warning: I'll also be sending in a query for my latest, Virgins In Breeches Make Fun of the Ton, and no, it is not a joke.

think the story sounds quite fun, contrary to the prevailing opinion.

I actually think most folks do think the story sounds fun. It’s just that there’s something about the way the query is written, or the elements highlighted, that make you wonder if this is real or a joke. As Gennita pointed out, that’s not a good thing.

Honestly, I would investigate this story further–certainly, I’d want to read an except–because it does sound different and like a fun read. But before buying I’d want to have a MUCH better feel for the story/plot/conflict.

Why couldn’t Ferdinand be an ‘accountant with a Harvard degree’? Could he not have a degree in history or maths and then go on to some specific accountancy training? The author doesn’t say it’s a degree in accountancy.

I think the story sounds quite fun, contrary to the prevailing opinion. Only, the query seems quite long to me.

They look to see if your book is interesting and fresh with good conflict, intriguing characters and a basic level of professionalism,

In most cases, there’s no reason you can’t do those things and showcase your voice. I wouldn’t recommend writing a query using invented colloquialisms a la Clockwork Orange, but you can give a feel for your style with your hook.

You know, the Happy Hooker Crapometer is a good resource, too. Archives, Miss Snark. I think it’s all indexed and easy to find.

ETA: Perhaps they don’t worry about your voice until the partial because they know how difficult it can be to convey in a query and that even good authors can suck at that.

I've actually gotten a lot of advice that voice is really important in a query, ie: if your book is supposed to be light-hearted, or serious litfic, or angsty, or mysterious, your description of the book in your query should reflect that.

Here’s where opinions very widely. I just had a multi-published author who’s opinion I value highly tell me that editors/agents do NOT look for your voice in the query or even the synopsis for that matter. They look to see if your book is interesting and fresh with good conflict, intriguing characters and a basic level of professionalism, period. They don’t worry about your voice until the partial. But there is no reason why the fact that your book is funny or serious or dark or light-hearted can’t explained in the query.

i can see how a marine biologist/archaeologist would be able to come up with imaginative plots – good luck with this! i’d sure buy it.

I don't know, Angela. From the letters I've seen, people don't carry their prose over into their letters. They talk about the book, but don't rewrite it in the letter.

I’ve actually gotten a lot of advice that voice is really important in a query, ie: if your book is supposed to be light-hearted, or serious litfic, or angsty, or mysterious, your description of the book in your query should reflect that. And I strongly believe (though I could be wrong) that an agent’s or editor’s interest in a particular author has more to do with their writing voice than the plot of a single book. If you can convey that voice in your query hook, that can’t hurt.

Edited for typos

Plus, he’s freakin’ hilarious.

The query? Quirky and funny is okay in a query, but you really have to keep it tight and stick with only a few elements. The trick is making those few elements pop–and humor can do that.

That humor is not working to its full potential here, IMO, because it’s getting bogged down. Too much synopsis, not enough hook. You want to go for 200-250 words, 300 at the upper limit. This is a little heavy. In a query, you’re trying to convey the feel of the story, not necessarily the plot. Conflict counts for a lot. You want to convey that conflict (and quirky humor) and use as few words as possible to do it.

Ferdinand needs an accounting degree from UT, that's what. We are the #1 accounting program in the country. :-)

I’m with Sherry. Especially since the mascot for the University of Texas is Bevo, a long-horned Texas steer.

I, personally, like a bit of comedy/irreverence thrown into a query. I’m a quirky person and I hate coming off as staid and Miss Business Proper when I’m so not. But…there is a limit and I’m pretty sure this query crosses that limit. Keep some of the humor and quirkiness, because it’s fun and the book sounds fun too, but just tone it down a bit.

But that’s how it happened for me–a cold query and then the process began.

It also just happened that way for a good friend of mine–a cold query started her in the process, and now she’s repped by the same agent who handles some EXTREMELY big names.

Because I’ve never heard of a Harvard accountant.

A little google search led to this article from the Harvard Crimson.

The money quote:

Harvard administrators and professors say that an accounting class at the College is not being considered, despite the complaints of some students.

And if I read the article correctly, no accounting classes are offered at all at the undergrad level and one, count that, one accounting course offered at the graduate level.

Ferdinand needs an accounting degree from UT, that’s what. We are the #1 accounting program in the country. :-)

Your query is a little too synopsis-like (also sounds like a guy wrote it–don’t know why I get that vibe, maybe the lack of detailing the romance, so please accept my apologies if you aren’t in fact male.) You’re giving more details than anyone needs, especially for those agents who want a synopsis and first three as your official query, rather than just a letter. Also, if you’re calling this a romance, the query should focus on that. Otherwise, it sounds like “an oddball romantic urban fantasy in the vein of Anonymous Rex.”

My advice: if you want to keep the humor in the letter, target those agents and publishers of Eric Garcia, Simon R Green, or even Jim Butcher. I can’t say, based on the way your query is written, that it’s viable as a romance.

And yes, while there are some contests that offer phenomenal feedback, querying and landing an agent would be the best way to go.

Plus, with humor being so subjective, especially this kind of humor which obviously irritates a number of people, I’d say a writer is better off not risking annoying the person he’s trying to convince to sell this to others.

Sorry.

As for whether unpublished authors can find an agent by sending out query letters, this is how I found my agent, and subsequently published two novels. So assuming this is a real query, good luck!