Again, I really want to thank all of you. I so appreciate your kindness and generosity.

I would happily read more with a narrative voice like this. Thank you for being willing to share.

The thing about life is, no one ever tells you when it's going to change. When you buy your calendar for half-price on January 10th, you never open it to find, two rows under the fluffy bunnies snuggling among the sunflowers, bold red letters declaring, “MAJOR LIFE CHANGE.”

Because, if I had, I'd have worn better underwear.

I like this. I’m liking the voice of the narrator. One thing you might want to try, without losing that voice, is to move a few words around something like this:

The thing about life is, no one ever tells you when it's going to change. When you buy your calendar for half-price on January 10th, you never open it to find bold red letters declaring, “JULY 7th: MAJOR LIFE CHANGE.”

Because, if I had, I'd have worn better underwear.

And then I’d be tempted to dive right into dialogue, put her at that early meeting and engage the reader right away in what is going on and what’s about to happen, filling in the background as you go.

It’s just a thought.But I do think you show a lot of talent in those first few lines.

For what it’s worth, I always go with Stephen King’s advice on criticism: If everyone’s saying the same thing’s not working, you might want to think about changing it; if they’re all commenting on different things, you can safely disregard them all and trust your instincts.

Best of luck!

Focus instead on the heroine and her major life change. She has a problem; tell me what it is, and how she’s dealing with the problem. That’s what I want to know about on the first page: “Who is this person and what problem does she have?” You need a hook, and you need action/plot. The filler could be largely cut or used elsewhere in the book. Right at the beginning, though–not the right place for it.

I wouldn’t send an agent or publisher the first page of an unfinished novel; few are interested in fiction unless there’s a completed manuscript.

I wish you luck with the book.

I’m looking at it as a reader, but I think the people who know about writing are probably right: at the end of the first paragraph I’m interested in what the Major Life Change is, and why the underwear mattered – but then she tells me about her picnic, then her laundry, then her stomach, then her workplace, and even a bit about her childhood – and there’s so much that I’ve almost forgotten what hooked me into the story.

But I like her voice – as Maya said, if I was flicking through it in a bookshop, I’d read on, and as long as she got back to the story soon, that’d be fine. I’ve never read inspirational chick-lit, and I like the idea of seeing how that would work, especially with the character you’ve created.

Really personal quibble – this quote:

I toyed with the idea of becoming a novelist, but novelists have to have characters, plots, themes and, well, imaginations.

I hate all variations of this. ‘He felt as if he was in a book’ etc. It breaks the fourth wall for me every time. (Unless it’s Jasper Fforde and the characters are in a book, which is fine.) Somehow the character saying she couldn’t write a book when I’m reading ‘her’ book – it just makes my brain implode.

But I see it frequently, and probably no-one else minds.

Good luck with the book.

Here’s wishing you the very best of luck with your “baby”! ^*toasting*^

I like your writing very much. Flows nicely, great prose. If some of the extraneous facts were removed, it would be even more compelling, because after one page, we don’t have any clue what is going on.

The thing about life is, no one ever tells you when it's going to change. When you buy your calendar for half-price on January 10th, you never open it to find, two rows under the fluffy bunnies snuggling among the sunflowers, bold red letters declaring, “MAJOR LIFE CHANGE.”

Because, if I had, I'd have worn better underwear.

HAH! I loved that part!

I would def. read more.

I’m just a reader, so no suggestions, but I like your voice.

Second, I personally do like chicklit, and I was hooked. I thought the opener was great – one of those thoughts I’ve vaguely had but never spelled out so clearly – and I didn’t have a problem with the heroine ‘wandering’ around a little in her thoughts (but – there’d have to be something of signficant interest happening by page 3, or I’d probably stop reading).

Parts that didn’t work for me:
- the fluffy bunnies. Made me think this was YA. When I realized that was wrong, I couldn’t figure out whether the bunny bit is intended ironically (to contrast with the life change thing) or she just likes to surround herself with ultracute images (which to me is off-puttingly juvenile). Either way, it interrupted the reading process.

- a bit heavy on the digestive upset side. Does it need so much?

- multiple spots with repetition:
“As it was, it was…”

“..July day-’July 7th , to be exact-’the Monday after a long 4th of July weekend. My Fourth..”

“novelists have plots…last night's stale sitcom plot… or plotting” when”

(I’m a reader/aspiring writer)

Kudos for your style and your guts! Best of luck,; when this gets published, be sure to let us know.

I didn’t like the first paragraph because it was hard for me to read – perhaps the comma and/or dash placement? But after that, I got interested in your character’s voice.

I’m not a reader too hooked on the importance of immediate ‘action’ because after reading the blurb, and maybe flipping through a few random pages, I’m invested enough already to last through at the very least the first chapter.

I would definitely read on but like someone said – there comes a point when Bridget Jones is no longer ha-ha-I-empathise and is more good-grief-you-idiot-darcywhydoyoubother. I wouldn’t want to see that happen to your lady here because I like her frank tone.

And the foray into inspirationals I read came up with nothing sounding like this. The characters were preaching paragons. Good to see an inspirational with ‘life’ in it, and real people (even if they have a liking for scatalogical humour :P)

Keep on writing.

I’m a reader. Neither editor nor agent.

I love the calendar idea, too. So if you can tie those two together, I’m in. I like your voice a great deal, and because I like the voice, I’m willing to do go a bit of a distance.

Of course, then things have to start happening. More quickly. I’m not sure you want to load us down with the past as you do. We learn a lot obout what happened and not what is happening on this first page. So get us moving, and then release in bits all this backstory.

There is wit and humor, and I hope you will edit and move along with this.

Jessica Inclan

It is hard to know for certain without knowing what is coming, but I think in the first page, as much as possible, you want the reader to be unable to put the book down. They may be picking up the book in the bookstore while browsing. You want to put something on that first page that will make them decide to buy it then and there.

So if you have a major life change about to happen, why not start there?

For example (working off of Gennita’s intro), if what’s about to happen is that she gets run over by a car, you could open this way:

Had I known, I’d have worn sexier underwear.

But that Saturday was the fourth of July, and I'd neglected my traditional Saturday laundry. Hence the four day-old bra (which still smelled a little smoky), and the stretched-out grannies I was wearing when the blue car hit me.

Then you can go into a description of the accident (or whatever life event happens). I think that would be more attention-getting.

Hope this helps!

Use this as your first sentence:

Had I known, I’d have worn sexier underwear.

As it was, it was an achievement that I'd dressed at all. It was a sweltering July day-’July 7th , to be exact-’the Monday after a long and best forgotten 4th of July weekend. My Fourth had fallen something short of glorious.

It immediately starts from a place of interest, telling the reader something is going to happen. I’d skip all the details that happened during the 4th, and go straight to the next paragraph (taking out smoky bra). The detailed info on the protagonist’s appearance is important because you’re building up to that something that’s about to happen, that would make her regret the granny panties.

I hope this helps a little. I apologize again if I tinkered too much.