Comments on: Harry Potter Is Killing the Kids

By: DanielRaimon

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By: DS

DS — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 23:24:31 +0000

I liked the story of Judith and Holofernes. He was an Assyrian general or some such who was sent to chastise the Isrealites. She was a Jewish widow who seduced him then cut off his head. This was considered a GOOD THING which puzzled me a bit because it contradicted the Do Not Kill part. My mother’s Bible was illustrated with a painting of Judith with bare breasts carrying Holofernes head in a basket.

That was my favorite picture next to the one of Solomon going to cut the baby in half.

Yep, great fun in the Bible.

By: evilauntieperil

evilauntieperil — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 21:03:59 +0000

Then there’s the lovely Jael, wife of Heber the Kenite. She hammered a tent-peg/nail through the head of Sisera, the Canaanite as he slept in her tent where she’d invited him after he sought refuge with her tribe, fleeing defeat in a battle. It’s in Judges. Gotta love that OT sense of fun.

The name Jael means “mountain-goat.”

Years ago I actually read a romance where Jael was the heroine. Wasn’t an inspirational either – I tried googling but it’s not the “Woman of the Bible” one. For one thing, it couldn’t have been because I vividly recall a mention of a pagan priestess’ umm- “pleasure staff” which was “one or two cubits” long. Since IIRC a cubit is about 20 inches long, the logistics of this quite horrified me.

By: raine

raine — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 17:48:22 +0000

Bwaaaa-ha-haaa!!!

I love it! (wiping eyes…)

And then there are all the BETRAYALS.
Samson and Delilah, Judas and Jesus, Peter and Jesus, Judith and Holofernes…

No, nothing there that’d promote evil against your mates. Nope, nothing at all…

By: Ann Wesley Hardin

Ann Wesley Hardin — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 10:53:10 +0000

Hey, we could call the book/TV show/Movie “The OT.”

Now I KNOW I’m going to hell.

By: Kat

Kat — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 09:25:16 +0000

People with no imagination are a scary lot.

Per the Bible, I’m partial to the rape and pillage myself. Or pretending to be your wife’s brother and then being offended when some other dude hits on her. Or swapping daughters at the altar so you can marry off the uglier one. Or offering your maids as concubines to your husband.

And people complain about bodice rippers…

By: Ana / Annie Dean

Ana / Annie Dean — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 04:12:53 +0000

I’m pretty sure there was a lot of incest in the Bible, at least that’s what I extrapolate if events truly fell out exactly as written. I asked about that when I was like ten in Bible School. The teacher got really red in the face and sent me out. I never did get an answer about the Cain and Abel thing, Jackie.

By: Emily

Emily — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 02:42:13 +0000

OMG (please excuse the implied blasphemy!) you guys crack me up.

By: FerfeLaBat

FerfeLaBat — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 23:45:06 +0000

I believe you could literally kill someone with a Harry Potter book. They weigh a freaking TON. And. AND. When my husband interrupted me once as I was reading the latest HP cinder block novel, I was tempted to hit him over the head with it. Had I done so, he would now be dead. End of story.

By: Karen Scott

Karen Scott — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 22:57:59 +0000

I love it when the Bible portrays women as vile, manipulative creatures who only serve as the downfall of good men.

You gotta admit though, that that Evie was something else. All the bitch and that chicken shit Adam had to do was to keep the fuck away from the apple tree.

Who the f*ck listens to a talking snake anyway? I’m still convinced that Evie was smoking some bad shit that day.

You just can’t help some people…

By: Nora Roberts

Nora Roberts — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 22:38:28 +0000

Hey, how about the Seven Plagues–frog, locusts, rivers of blood! This would be fun for the kiddies to read about!

Then there’s that jokester Abraham, about to slice up his son because The Voice told him to do it! Real father/son bonding time.

Gotta love those wacky human sacrifices.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 20:24:32 +0000

Speaking of Noah, were you totally squicked out that the entire world was repopulated by his family? I never was really able to wrap my head around that one in bible school.

I still don’t know who populated the first town that Cain went to after he killed his brother. When did God populate a town?

What about that slut Jezebel who got pushed outta the window? Wasn’t she banging everything that moved?

I have a soft spot for whores named Jezebel.

By: jmc

jmc — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:50:33 +0000

Am I the only one reading these comments and wishing for Jane and Bam and Karen to write a romance parody of a bible story?

How about an historical about Moses, whose wife left him because of his obsession with burning bushes and parting seas, and his redemption via the love of a good woman…who came up with the ten commandments while they were fooling around up on the mountain, but let him and god have the credit for them.

Or a paranormal explaining why Shadrach et al. really didn’t burn in Nebuchadnezzar’s furnace.

Or something similar :)

By: Jane

Jane — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:50:13 +0000

Then, there’s Jacob who robs his older brother, Esau, of Esau’s rightful inheritance as the first born.

Joseph’s brothers who sell him into slavery.

Jonah who wins the prize of spending three days in the belly of the whale.

David who lusts after Bathsheba and in order to have her, sends her husband to be killed in battle.

Good times. Good guys.

By: Nora Roberts

Nora Roberts — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:45:40 +0000

How about good old Job, the upright and true, whom God rewarded by burning his farm, killing his sons–not to mention the sheep–to win a bet with the devil. That’s a fine lesson. Live a good life, harming none, and God could get a whim to kill your sheep and give you some boils for the kicker.

Man, that Old Testament’s just full of fun!

By: Jane

Jane — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:21:19 +0000

[quote comment="13820"]I love it when the Bible portrays women as vile, manipulative creatures who only serve as the downfall of good men.[/quote]

Is this the genesis (pun kind of intended) of the virgin=good girl; whore=evil woman (also commonly known as first wife?). Mary is the ultimate good girl. Salome, Jezebel, Lot’s wife (who doesn’t even rate a name), Mary Magdalene are all very bad girls who suck the life out of men and turn them into bitter, alpha males.

By: Jane

Jane — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:18:43 +0000

Speaking of whores, remember when the townsfolk were throwing rocks at Mary Magdalene’s head ’cause she was hanging out with the disciples and she throws herself at Jesus’s feet for mercy and kisses his sandals?

Nope, I remember that being in the BIBLE. I don’t remember the Jezebel story very well. The DUDE story is sad, but redemptive.

By: bam

bam — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:18:34 +0000

Oh, what about that stripper whore Salome who danced the Seven Veils and demanded the head of John the Baptist be served to her on a silver platter?

I love it when the Bible portrays women as vile, manipulative creatures who only serve as the downfall of good men.

By: bam

bam — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:16:45 +0000

Speaking of whores, remember when the townsfolk were throwing rocks at Mary Magdalene’s head ’cause she was hanging out with the disciples and she throws herself at Jesus’s feet for mercy and kisses his sandals?

Or was that only in that snuff film, Passion of the Christ?

Man, with Christmas coming up and us trading our favorite Bible stories back and forth… it really warms my heart up, you know?

By: Karen Scott

Karen Scott — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:13:14 +0000

What about that slut Jezebel who got pushed outta the window? Wasn’t she banging everything that moved?

Oh, and don’t forget that Dude who’s hands and feet got nailed to a cross and was left to die.

Oh happy times.